Of course we're not to be held responsable for the contents,
and warning......
some jokes are for adults only!
More war commentary from the Python crew.
Other Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,
China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis
of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for
starters, a really dumb name.
"Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean
leader Kim Jong-il."Everybody knows we're the best evils . . .
best at being evil . . . we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have
more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This
is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and
Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret
handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical
chairs.
Cuba,Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of
Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the
"Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria,Indonesia and Russia established the
"Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics".
Canada,Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That
Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America", while Scotland,New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of
Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat,really,
just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister
Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't
perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis,
although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose
Names Endin 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false
application.
Officials from Paraguay,Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the
charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.
But Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."
1. The main sport for people from the ghetto is........
BASKETBALL.
2. The sport for low educated people is........
BOWLING.
3. The sport for people with a middle-class job is........
FOOTBAL.
4. The sport for foremen is........
BASEBALL/SOFTBALL
5. The sport for middle management is........
TENNIS.
6. The sport for boardmembers is........
GOLF.
This leads to the following conclusion.......
The higher the function, the smaller the balls!
The most powerful man in the world (part 1)........
click here
The most powerful man in the world (part 2)........
click here
Please....can we go to war mr Bush.....
can we
can we
can we
can we
can we
can we
can we
can we
can we
can we
PLEASE................click here
How to lose your job........
click here
Only in Ireland........
click here
A Quick Course in Chinese!
Something wrong? ........................... Sum Ting Wong?
Who are you hiding? ....................... Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Small horse ...................................... Tai Ni Po Ni
Why is it so dark? ............................ Wao So Dim?
No parking ........................................ No Pah Kin
Why are you here now? ................. Wai Yu Kum Noa?
Staying out of sight......................... Lei Ying Lo
Cleaning the automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
Your body smells............................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great................................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's
only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Why fonts are important........
click here
Two versions of Gloria Gaynor's famous song . . .
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second
you'd assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs
and I can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers
aren't Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me
walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to
when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop
those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags
I've just fFilled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex
on her dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply.........
FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second
I'd be in your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob
that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that,
than at your F###ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football
really makes Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night,
you looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world
and you're an ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze
and now I'm stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze,
I'm going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug,
just makes me want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
..... True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi STAR .....
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off
the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
For all musicians.
Never scored a hit? Here's the path to a guaranteed succes........and loads a dolla's....
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I
wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a
mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted",
and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten
by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin
found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again
and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He
begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back
into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories
came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again. "
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the
enemy and I'll not be tricked.
"Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".....................
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"I found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
The Jackson family on their holiday to Spain........
click here
The USA, only country in the world, where a poor black boy can grow up to be a rich white woman........
click here
Only available on Sky Digitaliban......
TALIBAN T.V.
6.00 G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky
repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another
attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of
everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan.
The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the
world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife.
Xena stays at home and does
some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket
launchers to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle
top appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah
Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including ! !
the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from
political and religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for
adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic
behaviour.
18.00 Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th
week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.
Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic
council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go
undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed
this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of
the infidel.
23.30 They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel
the Mullah' round.
0.00 When Imams attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel
graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
2.00 A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.
Limerick lads on holiday........
click here
Best chicken joke in the world........
click here
International police cars........
American
Canadian
English
German
Italian
Irish
For sale:
Volkwagen Golf, 17 years old, only 34 miles, in perfect shape, price $ 0,00
to be picked up by whoever is interested........
click here
Hey guys, here's the remotecontrol you've all been waiting for........
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Hey girls, here's a remotecontrol for you too........
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into
water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the
woodcutter's wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen
into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kelly Brook . "Is this
your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter
replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I
said 'no' to Kelly Brook, You will come up with Melinda Messenger . Then if
I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will
say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.
But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three
wives, so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and
useful reason.
Careerwomen.......
click here
Smelly monkey (film).......
click here
The world shortest vacation(film).......
click here